The Bottom of the Earth

The Toughest Man in Antarctica

Standing at about 6’2

he wasn’t scared.

Some days, he would climb the tallest rock.

Other days just kick holes in the ice.

He had never won a fight

But he never lost one either.

He’d swear and curse just to hear the echo.

He could see his breath so long as he was alive.

He was the toughest man in Antarctica.

It gave him a lot of time to think.

Swimming Pool Poems For Water Wing Times

KOI POND

Well,
we both just love carp so much
it was inevitable, really.

JUMPING IN THE FOUNTAIN WITH MY SUIT ON

Who's boring now, Margot?
Not the guy in the fountain with his suit on.
My briefcase is in here too
wet papers floating around
full of data, probably.
"Numbers."
Who cares.
Not me.
Not the guy splashing around in this fountain
in his new Brooks Brothers suit
laughing, dancing
everyone must think I'm so crazy
and maybe I am
just a little ;)
but sometimes it's what you have to do
just jump in a fountain
to feel really alive.
I'm wet and alive and spontaneous and fun and I feel good
I feel good
I feel good about my life
and all of you.
And you, Margot.
How's this for living out on the edge?
I think the cops might have to ask me to leave.
That's how it goes when you're having too much fun
that's how it goes when you're going a little crazy
the man comes in and shuts you down.
That's how it goes
when you're in a fountain
with your suit on.

With this one act
I am absolved of my former life
by your wishes.

NOT DROWNING, BUT WAVING

Hey!
Hey guys!
Look over here!
Guys!

Look at me!
Hey!
Look at this!
Over here, guys!

Guys!
Look!
I'm splashing!
This is great.

Those Who Can

MY WIFE
by Your 10th Grade English Teacher

My wife...
My...fucking wife, she...
Ah
She should've gotten into a better law school.
She--listen--
I'm just trying to prepare you for the realities
you
are
going
to face
in college.
They don't take late work there.
There aren't any extensions.
They won't go as easy on you as I did.
As I've been doing. You'll see.
If my wife had--
if my wife had gotten into a better law school
I wouldn’t have to be getting my Masters now

and we’d—

she went to a second tier university

because she didn’t work very hard in high school

and just—

it’s affecting us now.

That’s all I’ll say.

I don’t mean to be too personal.

To give too much information.

“TMI.”

You know.
But we would both be somewhere else is what I’m saying.

My wife and I.

She was so smart. Just like you.

She thought she was so fucking smart.

But now.

Well

here we are.

Bestiary 2: The Yeti

The Yeti is
NEEDY
the last of his kind.
He has some trust issues,
he's been left behind.
Mateless!
Alone!
A big furry mess!
Take pity on him
but avoid his caress.
For though he seems sad
in tone and inflection -
he's drunk and he's thinking
with his dumb Yetirection.

Bestiary 1: The Dismal Drunk

The Dismal Drunk,

the worst of his sort

too sober to smile

too bored to cavort,

he listlessly sips

an unhappy cup

wondering why he

can’t ever cheer up.

On That Ass

"Tangible evidences of prowess--trophies--find a place in men's habits of thought as an essential feature of the paraphernalia of life. Booty, trophies of the chase or of the raid, come to be prized as evidence of preeminent force. Aggression becomes the accredited form of action, and booty serves as prima facie evidence of successful aggression."

Thorstein Veblen

A Life In Tiny Placards

100% Trash (Mixed Media, 2009)
Ryan Fitzgerald and Brendan Hill

Fitting with his stated mission of wanting to "poop in...everyone's...mouth," 100% Trash explores Fitzgerald's varied and lifelong fascination with the insatiable consumer and the inevitable result of his consumption: refuse. "The detritus we shed is more clearly indicative of who we are, socially, morally -- more intellectually honest about the self we inhabit than if we were to compose something with any consideration of style or forethought," frequent collaborator and noted thugonomicist Brendan Hill was quoted as saying in The Schooner Review.

Possibly originally titled An Happy Accident, suggestive of a smiling toddler, sitting proud in the bloated fecundity of his diaper, this pastiche (with materials as diverse as nonsense and falderal) is part of the "lazy and untalented" school that rose to prominence in the early 21st century. Combining a cultivated lack of ambition with the anarchic disinterest more commonly found in the glassy-eyed scrawlings of alcoholic mongoloids, 100% Trash is best understood as a culmination of Fitzgerald's callow period, also noted for works such as the conceptual piece, Playing Grand Theft Auto While Unemployed For Two Months. Unveiled as the centerpiece of the infamous "Saloon des refuses," the artist added to his reputation as a clear leader of the avant-garde by explaining his masterwork only in finger guns and mouth explosions.

While its intricacies continue to provoke debate among critics and scholars alike, the question of why it took more than one person to make this piece of shit is perhaps best left to history.